The past couple of weeks have been weird for me, simply because things have been good so far. We’ve had our moments, we’re still struggling with family dynamics and getting used to being 5 and figuring out people getting upset at others getting preference. Everyone’s experienced it and it’s not uncommon. Last night was a night I felt like I slept and woke up rested versus just tired. I skipped running this morning (part heat, part knowing an extra hour of sleep would be beneficial). The last couple of days I’ve hit 4 p.m. feeling like I was able to sleep if I sit for any long period of time. We have been reminding ourselves that 2 weeks ago we were 8,000+ miles away and we went through an emotionally exhausting experience on gotcha day.

Gotcha day. Wow. That’s going to be one I’m going to remember from this trip for a while. I grabbed my point and shoot Nikon for gotcha day because it always feels weird observing it with a large, cumbersome SLR. In our case, in China, around a dozen other families were in the room with us when we were filling out paperwork.

I have an will always feel a reverence for seeing and being in that space because there were a dozen families that were changed forever – new families were being created before my eyes with paper, pen, gifts, and lots of tears. A dozen other stories (some in Europe, some in the US, some Australia and other places) were beginning that day and it felt like holy ground to walk on. Here I am sitting with my camera and trying to convince my new 5 year old son that we’re not that scary. Poor Melissa was strapped to a desk doing paperwork that would make Kafka blush.  “Sign here. Write the number here. Print your name here”. At one point, I remember signing above Melissa’s name and it was enough at that point to make the overstressed manager of the room blow up at our guide.

Brendan, who was not one for crowds, and I went outside to just sit and I remember, borrowing from Russell Moore, talking to him saying in words he’ll one day read here that this wasn’t the end that even though this was familiar something better waited. It really helped me too because I remember lamenting taking him from the familiar even though he had a family and community ready to love him.

I also appreciated fighting through that day with Melissa. I’m not sure I can quite put adequate words to screen of how much I appreciate the opportunity to fight through that day together. It’s easy here in the day to day grind to neglect that aspect of our relationship. She’s beautiful and tenacious and being able to play to our strengths and fight together was valuable time. Even praying that night together and how much she cared for me to go get me water when we got back to the hotel and I was not feeling well and put herself in yet another uncomfortable situation was amazing to watch. I’m so thankful I married her.

There’s our community as well. It’s easy for me to idolize relationships and to idolize and depend on them for self worth, but at one point we asked on our blog to email us to let us know that there was still a world out there and we are thankful for those that prayed (because of all that we saw that night) and those that emailed us and we treasured those encouraging words that night as we sat in the hotel. Because of those prayers we saw we had a God who did not abandon us and we saw that we had a community that hadn’t forgotten we were there either.

In the end, I’m appreciative of the day. I think I’m completely sold out on orphan work for the opportunity to see new happen – new lives, new families, new…everything.

Now if I could only work through my feeling of inadequacy…well, that would be wonderful.

We’re also working through relational strife, but nothing so different than anyone that’s ever had a new kid in the family. We’re dealing with great relationships and awful ones where people are feeling left out because they aren’t the center of attention. The nice thing about much of the long hours of training we spent getting into the Hague adoption track is that nothing really catches us off guard, and at that, we feel like there is a great support system amongst our community when we deal with stuff.

Moving backwards, the ride home was long…real long. We left Guangzhou (forgive me if you’ve heard this story), with Tony our “D”river. He was awesome. Black driving gloves and everything. Tony took us out from the China Marriott and 2 hours south to Hong Kong. It’s a fun drive, albeit a bit lawless. People on the highway just drove – no rules – and it reflected in Tony. He was alert, on top of his game and apologized at one point when he had to break hard and sudden. Brendan wasn’t quite used to the ride in the car so he was all over the front seat and we were trying to get him to stay.

Shenzhen is kind of an economic DMZ between Hong Kong and the mainland. We drove through the Shenzhen special economic zone and eventually got to the boarder. I’ve never been to a tighter boarder before. We got met by military, shot with cool laser thermometers and waited in the space between boarders – about a 1 block long parking lot where cars from one gate waited to go through the Hong Kong entry point. We wondered as we sat there who took care of the black line in between areas. Once we got into Hong Kong on went the seat belts, and the speed went significantly down. I really liked Tony – he took his business seriously and was amazing to watch navigate traffic in Guangzhou and into Hong Kong; it was something to see.

Hong Kong? Amazing. Pretty. A crazy long flight from anywhere (14 hours to Detroit). It reminded me of all the photos we’d seen of Hawaii. Mountains ring the airport with very picturesque clouds surrounding them. Logistics prohibited us from making our way into downtown Hong Kong which is a shame because I really was looking forward to seeing Victoria Harbor up close. Still, the airport is amazing to walk around; a large scale mall mixed with a hotel and and a large, International airport. I tried really hard to catch the vibe of the airport with photos, but it reminded me a bit of Dubai. Walking down the aisles in any airport in the US and you see ‘Deluth’, ‘LA’, ‘Chicago’ and the like. Hong Kong offered ‘Vietnam’, ‘Seoul’, ‘Beijing’, ‘Sydney’ and weird places like ‘Detroit’.

It was a really long flight – 14 hours. We spent the time with some Athletes for University games in Shenzhen. Never heard of it, but apparently it’s big.

The thing that’s sticking out to me from the whole trip was gotcha day. It’s going to be one of those defining moments of my faith. I’m appreciative of trial and suffering when they are over and oddly I miss them and this is the case here. Seriously, in the dark night after we felt God’s presence tangibly. It’s hard to describe, but things turned after we reached out and you reached out to God in prayer. It seems too that all of Melissa and I’s watershed moments in our marriage happen in hotel rooms too and in that hotel, it was sacred space as we determined to endure and in that respect, it was lovely.

So. We’re a week into this thing and it’s got its challenges but I’m appreciative of the love we’ve been given and the opportunity to build our family this way.

Got a chance to talk to them last night and exchange a ‘Hello Mrs. Hodgepodge’ with Iona. It was encouraging to see them having fun and to hear of how well things are going. And it’s really encouraging to be at the airport and on our way.

Airports always strike me as funny. It’s interesting to see these food places behind security that try and create this air of being a real restaurant with a cool name and cool hangout but with the realization that your time in their establishment is as a transient. You are there for no longer than is necessary and you are on the clock; there’s somewhere to be. I think if I had a secret moonlighting job, I’d love to work at a restaurant inside security at a big airport.

So, It’s a little after 12:15 here (1 a.m. in China) and we will be landing in China in about 22 hours. It should be a great day. Melissa and I always have enjoyed these moments as we’ve done them. We’re so thankful that we are leaving a loving, praying community here and can’t wait to share with you the time we’re going to be experiencing in China. We love you all.

I think the experience taught me some lessons too. It was a study in patience and has been for some time. It was far too easy to run the first few miles fast without consideration of mile 8. Mile 8, btw, on this race totally sucked; it was a tedious long run through a park. My temptation to stop up until that point was really burdened by the fact that mile 8 was waiting for me. Mile 8 also brought with it the realization that I had 5 more beyond that.

I spent the majority of the time meditating on Hebrews 12:1. In Hebrews 11, there is a long list of people who were heroes of the faith; people who did some incredible things and 12:1 turns the corner and says ‘Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight and the sin which so easily entangles and run with perseverance the race that is set before us.’ Earlier that morning before I ran a few dear friends sent their well wishes for a good race on facebook. I spent alot time thinking about the people who were encouraging to me; friends from the adoption community, people at church who’ve run, heroes of the faith for me, my wife who was waiting at the end of the race and meditating on their influence pushing me forward to the goal.

I also spent a good deal of time thinking about ‘perseverance’ and how that race was such a model of life. I saw a shirt on the way, one of several that struck me, that said ‘begin with the end in mind’. But you know what? There were a few times I thought about the end of the race and the drama of running into Memorial Stadium and what I would do but I spent more time thinking about running and the moment. I’ve found I loved long distance running because of this. Instead of thinking of the experience as ‘a race’, it was a meditation on patience. It was far too easy to succumb to despair at mile 8 in the park if I thought about the next five and how long it would take and how much my legs hurt. So yeah, I guess I ran without the end in mind and more of making sure my legs were moving for the duration. It was more a game of patience and it’s hard to describe just how challenging and fun that was. I gravitated quite a bit to the ‘run with perseverance’ segment of Hebrews 12.

My favorite moments of the half marathon began at the start. At the gun, I started my playlist for the run – ‘The gospel brings tidings’ by Red Mountain Church and ‘I am the Highway’ by Audioslave; both are slower thoughtful songs. The third track was ‘Remember the name’ by Fort Minor. Yes, it’s a ‘Jock Jam’ and kind of cheesy, but as Mike Shinoda belts out ‘You ready??? Let’s go…’ and the beat kicks in I was moving my feet across the starting line. Another favorite music moment was ‘There’s a louder shout to come’ from the Urbana 2000 worship CD finishing off the playlist as I ran past the assembly hall and into memorial stadium. It was a beautiful picture of the heaven and the end of our run because we will have the freedom to stop and to enjoy the rest God gave us. Seeing people running into the stadium was a lesson in that too; some ran hard in, some crawled in with the realization that their race was finished, some looked victorious and some just looked beat up but everybody that crossed the finish line was amazing to watch. I bet I could have watched that all day.

So, Tuesday I’m planning on getting out for a mile or two just to take it easy and then I’ll build back up from there to 4-5 miles again. Definitely going to do another one.

Flash forward thirty years and we’re beginning to hit that same stage; we’ve been fortunate to not have night terrors up until now with Aidan; I’ve heard horror stories about 3 and 4 year olds being unconsolable and keeping their parents up for most of the night. Now that we’re in the new house, Aidan’s bad dreams have begun to kick in in force. There’s been about 3 or 4 nights in the past week that he’s been up for at least an hour and a half (sometimes longer) complaining; to the point where he’d prefer the door be completely open.

I’ve got to admit, I’ve not been the best at 3 a.m. (I’m sure my mom wasn’t either, but she hid it better). There’s been a couple of times where I’ve complained to Melissa and grumbled while walking into the room that I’d ‘needed to get up in 30 minutes to exercise’ or ‘I’ve not gotten any sleep that night’.

Today I remembered what an occasional awful dad I am. Peter Gabriel did a CD in the early nineties called ‘Us’, dealing with his break up with his wife and subsequent mental breakdown and stay in a psychiatric ward for a while during a depression. It’s a compelling, intimate CD that is so emotive at points that you’d think your heart would burst open for him. One particular song, ‘Come talk to me’ was covered recently by Bon Iver and is breathtakingly beautiful. I ran to it this morning as my opening song of the run and as God lit the day and the brush strokes of clouds gathered around the sun welcoming it to the sky again, this verse came up:

“The wretched desert takes it’s form, The Jackal proud and tight
In search of you I feel my way through the slowest heaving night
Whatever fear invents, I swear it makes no sense
I reach out through the border fence
Come down, come talk to me
In the swirling, curling storm of desire unuttered words hold fast
With reptile tongue, lightning lashes towers built to last
Darkness creeps in like a thief and offers no relief
why are you shaking like a leaf?
come on, come talk to me

Please talk to me
won’t you please talk to me?
We can unlock this misery
Come on, come talk to me
I did not come to steal
This all is so unreal
Can’t you show me how you feel now?
Come on, come talk to me”

I could go on, but watching the beauty that God had laid out in front of me, I realized how patient He is with me when I complain or murmur or am fearful of change (I could go on about that one). I realized what a privilege that I squander on my own selfishness it is to be the voice Aidan cries out out for at night. That I have the access at this point in his life to ask ‘Why are you shaking like a leaf? Come talk to me’ and know that he will. That I can call his dreams out for being the unreal phantoms that they are. He’ll still have them, I know, brain development is such that his little toddler/baby/boy brain is beginning it’s long march to adulthood now. It will blossom, sometimes painfully, into a thoughtful man’s brain. I’m just praying for patience to care for that seed carefully now.

By the way, the Bon Iver cover of that song really is exceptionally beautiful; you would do well for yourself to hear the original and then hear Bon Iver’s cover.

So, I took up running. I have to say it’s been fabulous so far. Melissa and I are training for a half-marathon in May and it’s getting to be crunch time with that.

It’s been beneficial for me on a few levels to run. First, health. I’ve found that I can blow through about 400-1000 calories per run (est.). Dealing with my late 30′s it’s important, no critical to exercise and I’m loving the hour investment returns.

Spiritually, the benefits have been there as well. The particular music I listen to lends itself to worship or meditation on the truths of God and being out for an hour pushing myself to not stop  is a strong allegory and can help me think through how God sees me, the benefits of being patient and the long game that God plays. It’s too easy for me to get impatient and to look for an answer to a prayer or to being in a situation and running has helped negate that because the benefits to being out aren’t immediate, but the pain is.

Technically, I have to say I love running in 39 degree weather the best. The geek in me has loved figuring out layering and details related to a long run. The clothing technology and how your body overheats a bit has really been interesting to. Being out for a short run and getting into it and not paying attention to the cold is really fun.

Finally, music. I’m a fan. Can’t say much more, so putting together a running playlist over the past 5 months has been a blast. Figuring out which songs do well where and what they communicate is awesome. It’s given me an excuse to listen to a few genre’s of music (rap, I’m looking at you) that work well for running.

So this week for me is big for a few reasons, least of which is the longest run I’ve ever done is Saturday – 7 miles. It’s going to be nuts.

Yes, it was a generation ago, yes it was the stoic, career obsessed Boomers purposefully ignoring their gen-x kiddies but it really has haunted me as a parent, even so in the morass of the thirties. What frustrates me is that the song sets up a false choice; career or family. What’s even more frustrating and lie filed is those who have chosen a career closer to family are penalized when work beckons them during a particular season.

So I’m declaring war on lies; lies of guilt when you have to work, lies that fail to separate longing for a friend with a perception of lack of care and promoting the freedom to just spend time with your kids and enjoy the amazing people that they are.

So, in brief, where we’re at in March of 2010:

Melissa and I are running a half marathon in May: I’m finding I adore running. There are a ton of lessons to be learned while moving your body 6 miles (currently) down a road. I’m learning to be patient, enjoy the moment, trust in the process that God is taking me on and to really eat better. The way it’s working right now is that my training has me doing a mid range run twice a week and an increasingly longer run on Saturdays. This week was a 6 mile run.

We’re moving: in roughly two weeks, we’re upgrading our house. It’s that weird ‘mid career/bigger family’ move. God was really gracious in getting our place sold incredibly quickly. The intentions of this move are pretty transparent for us. Our current place will be getting increasingly awkward to live in over the next few years for size (we only have 1 bathroom), and we’d like to adopt more. Growing our family will be easier with a slightly larger house and we’ve been burdened to host people. All through our married life, we’ve loved having people spend the night at our place and this house will bring that back into our reality.

Kids are wonderful: Back a while ago Nicholas Cage stared in a movie called ‘family man’ and it really made me cringe a bit. The buried lie there is that somehow being a ‘family man’ isn’t a good thing and I’m finding the truth is very different. Aidan is wonderful, just wonderful; he’s an intellectual 25 year old trapped in a 6 year old’s body; at least when he’s not tired or freaky about something. Iona is  a gem. She’s such a true girl in how she interacts and loves her family; she’s so compassionate (when she wants to be ). Lord willing, we’re starting up the adoption process again sometime this summer. Details, TBA.

So, what’s to come? Back to general banter, a peek into Pete’s life and our life as the Juvinall’s. Glad to be back.